Self Mothering

I have a lot of sympathy for Cathy in my book, for someone who loses her mother so early in her life, has no other family, and feels disconnected. I do hear from younger women who have suffered such a heartbreaking loss, and love the idea of finding a “Mary” who would be willing to help them.

In my community, services are packed when there are children still in the household and the mother of the family has died. Other mothers try to fill in with rides, meals, whatever way they can help the children. Even if those simple gestures cannot fill the void, they do help. But what do those children do on holidays, on Mother’s Day, in those quiet moments when you know everything would be all right if only you had your mother’s advice? And what if you don’t have a community to wrap its arms around you?

I suspect you carry along the mother you’ve known and eventually become the mother you need for yourself and your children. You learn how to nurture yourself in those situations where you don’t have a lot of emotional support. You look to other role models, male or female, to other sources of comfort. You watch, listen, and learn.

I’m not sure we ever get one hundred percent of what we need from one person in any relationship. And I think as much as we love our own mothers, we’ve all had experiences where others have filled the role of nurturer--the aunt who takes us to the theater, the cousin who teaches us how to drive, the girlfriend who invites us to a family picnic. Every person, every generous heart has something to offer.